“一塌糊涂”当爸爸

今天我跟朋友们打赌了。我输了，所以今天要叫我的狗，“一塌糊涂”，“爸爸”。我写日记的时候，我觉得很变扭：

今天家里只有我和爸爸两个人。爸爸想和我玩藏猫猫，我就跟他玩了起来。过了一会儿，爸爸藏进了妈妈的衣柜，等我找着他的时候，他已经在妈妈最喜欢的裙子上拉了一泡尿。这可怎么办呢？我把妈妈的裙子塞进一个鞋盒里，好好的藏在了我的柜子里。

爸爸一回来，看完日记就恶狠狠的扑了过来。

“你敢说我撒尿在妈妈的裙子上？”爸爸向我吼。

“救命啊！”我叫。

妈妈走过来了，对爸爸说：“不要打人！”

爸爸拼命地大叫：“那你看一看他这个日记！”

妈妈越看，她的脸越红。

“啊！”她尖叫着。“我的裙子啊！”她在我的柜子里翻来翻去，找着了那个鞋盒子。她看了里面的裙子，闻到了狗尿味，很生气。突然，他也扑过来，对爸爸说：“帮我-帮我狠狠的打他！”

“不要啊！”我叫。已经太晚了。妈妈，爸爸都已经开始打了。我疼的哇哇叫，屁股也变红了。我坐都坐不下来了。以后我再也不打赌了！

The Strange Birthday Gift

            Hi! My name is Phil and I live in Springfield, Illinois. Today was my birthday - a sunny April Saturday. Today was my 10th birthday - I had hit the double digits! I was looking forward to the dinner out at Rogeson's, the local steakhouse, and the party afterwards. But here I sat on the grass outside my brown house on Morrow Drive, bored with nothing to do.

            I decided to head back into my room to read a book I had just got, The Ultimate Guide to the Animals of the Earth. I walked up the stairs, opened the door, and spotted a strange package on my bed. On it was a label. I leaned closer to read the label. DANGEROUS, it read, Keep out of reach of children under 10. From: THE ALIENS OF MARS

            I kept reading: To: 2nd Bedroom Upstairs, 206th Ave., Springfield, IL.
            "Wow!" I exclaimed. I immediately ripped open the package. What?! I thought. It was only a watch! I put it on and set the hands to the correct time.

            "What time would you like to go to?" asked a strangely robotic voice. I realized it was coming from the watch.

            "Um, what about 1392 in Rome?" I suggested timidly.

            "Transporting..." beeped the voice again.

            There was a sudden flash of light and I saw the Colosseum nearby and a bunch of people wearing white togas running around. I trotted around, and realized that I was wearing a toga, too! The watch had transformed itself into a golden armband. I started talking, and I realized I was speaking Roman too! I explored the place, admiring statues and watching shows. I saw the Statue di Roma, the Antiquarium del Palatino, the Musei Capitolini, and the Palazzo Massimo alle Terme. I stayed in the Colosseum for a while. There was a very interesting show going on in there. Two people were fighting each other with weapons I had never seen before. After I watched a few rounds, I got bored, tired, and hungry.
            Suddenly a man walked up to me. He looked very different from the others. He was dressed in a T-shirt and flip-flops, and he trotted over to me. It seemed like none of the locals noticed him. He scooted over, tied me up, gagged me, and then everything went black. The last thing I noticed was a large black object dangling from his wrist. I awoke a few hours later (or so I thought) in a damp underground cave. The person I had seen earlier was next to me, except he looked different. I saw lots of shiny, sharp knives hanging from the ceiling.
            "Where am I?" I meant to ask, but with my gag, it sounded like "WHAAARFF UMM O?" The man, or should I say creature, who had transformed into a slimy green mass of oozing material with huge eyes, replied, "UPI EPM'Y :OBR :PMH YP LMPE, RSYJ:OMH!" Before I knew it, everything went black again. The next time I woke up, I was suspended over a pit of green slime by an iron chain. I couldn't see the creature anymore. I swung on the chain, swinging and swinging, and before I knew it, I had swung fast enough to crash my chain into the rocky ceiling and break it. I fell onto the red ground next to the pit.
            Next thing I knew, six green blobs cornered me. I scuttled through a small hole in the wall, reaching the surface, and I was really surprised! I was on Mars! I looked around for a means of escape. My wristwatch had been taken, and I wasn't wearing a toga anymore, I was in my normal clothes. I ran off on the rocky ground, many green blobs chasing me. Ahead of me, I made out a faint glow in the foggy weather, and saw my escape - a space shuttle that had been stolen from the humans. I leapt into the cockpit, and found I didn't know how to control the shuttle. I pressed a red button, and found it must have been an adapted shuttle, because missiles flew out and hit the green blobs, instantly vaporizing them.
            I suddenly found interest in the shuttle. I ran about, pulling cords, turning dials, activating switches, flipping levers, and pressing buttons. The ground around the shuttle exploded, turned color, made weird noises, and caught fire.
            Suddenly, I found that the shuttle had lifted off. I was headed towards Earth. I enjoyed the view, and then my stomach rumbled. I looked for a sandwich, and instead found the Martian equivalent of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - two pieces of rock squishing a squirming orange tentacle and a few of what looked suspiciously liked space slugs. I tossed it out the window and decided to wait until I got home.
            After I landed, with much noise making from the space shuttle (I had decided to try a few remaining buttons), people crowded around for a better look. I was interviewed, and even starred on a few TV shows. I even realized that I had time-traveled back to present time during the blacked-out period, and I had rode that stolen space shuttle to Mars.
            What a great birthday!

Bob the Miner

 Bob was a hairy man. Hair covered him from head to toe, and it grew to around seven inches in some places. Many people didn’t like him because, well, he stunk (literally), and the hair made him look real ugly. He wanted to be respected, even if he did have a lot of hair and he did stink. One day, he saw an article in the news saying that lots and lots of gold had been found in nearby Boston just yesterday. Here’s my chance! he thought.

The next day, he was in Boston at the crack of dawn. He found a job in the “You’ll Get Rich Gold Mine”. After a tiring morning of paperwork and forms, Bob finally sat down for lunch. After lunch, he hurried to the mountain mine and started chipping away at the rock. He chipped for one hour… two hours… three hours… and even four hours straight without even finding so much as a speck of gold. After thirty more minutes of hammering down the pickax, he was about to give up when he found a tiny bit of yellow on the wall next to him.

Could it be? Bob asked himself. He picked at it a bit more, exposing more yellow. He took a heavy shovel and started scraping away the dirt on this large mineral. After fifteen more minutes, about half the gold was exposed. He shoveled away more, and more yellow was exposed, until the huge hunk of gold was excavated. He rolled it out of the mountain tunnel, and into the “Did You Find Gold?” office. There, everybody just stared at the huge hunk of gold. They offered to buy it for a few million dollars, and from then on, Bob lived a happy life with his riches. He was finally a respected man.

Joe the Inventor

Joe was the typical couch potato – a person who sit on the couch eating potato chips and watching TV the whole day. He lived in Idealville in the year 3861, a city for millionaires that stretched out for hundreds of miles. One day, Joe decided he was bored with TV. He wanted to do something else. He decided he would become an inventor that helped the world.
He was almost there when he saw the new city dump. It was in the middle of the city, and stretched out around five miles. There was no way to get around this radioactive pile of metal, plastic, and phortugium - the solid material that came out of the hovercrafts' exhaust pipes. It would be inconvenient to go around the dump, thought Joe. Finally, after a long time of thought, Joe decided to test himself if he was a worthy inventor. In his hovercraft, he found a few otrufiamagnets (super strong magnets that could suck up most materials) -  eleven, in fact, and some other assorted materials. He attached the eleven magnets to a pan, and attached a battery to the pan to activate the batteries.
Suddenly, the trash in a five-foot radius started flying towards him.
"It worked!" he exclaimed.
He disconnected the battery from the pan. He attached the pan to long wires connected to the electrical sockets of his hovercraft. The pan dropped down and fell off the wires. He decided to use the 30-foot long metal cable, or rope, to keep the pan from falling down. He flew all around the dump, sucking up all the trash. Where do I put it? he asked himself, Maybe I could dump it off the Surface Cliff. He flew over to the "Surface Cliff" - the cliff ringing the city floating in the air - and disconnected the wires. The trash tumbled through the air like rain and landed on the barren, polluted Earth down below.
The trash safely disposed, Joe headed back to the factory. There, everybody was cheering for him. He wondered why. Suddenly, it hit him - he had found a new way to dispose of trash! All the Idealvilleans clapped him on the back, congratulating him and thanking him. Joe was extremely happy - he was finally the inventor he really wanted to be!